Look: those syndicated broads are past their prime and ready for dumping in the boneyard. Everybody knows it. The syndicates have them wired up to life support systems to maintain their cash crops, but even they can tell the old girls are on their last legs. Hey, they have more tubes running in and out of them than than a 100,000-customer per day Coca-Cola dispenser at the world’s largest McDonald’s.
Besides, who do you want advice from anyway? A geezer with a lisp, beehive hairdo and standards dating back to Queen Vicki, or a young, lean feline with a snout full of catnip and a radical ’tude? I mean, a cat can snub you, stick his backside in your face, chew the head off the fake bird in your Fabergé egg, make thread samples of your upholstered furniture, and still convince you to feed him the best possible cat food. When was the last time you felt compelled to buy one of the syndicate girls a bag of overpriced Science Diet Human Chow?
Advice? You say you want advice? We got it here in spite of the fact that storms the size of hurricanes are booming down on us like a preview of the Apocalypse. We got all sorts of advice, and better advice than you’ll get calling those all-talk radio stations. In fact, our first bit of advice is, if you spend more than an hour per day listening to talk radio, get a sledgehammer, smash that squawk box and GET A LIFE!
Same goes for the Internet. You think I spend my whole life in front of a computer screen? No way. I got things to do, dreams to dream, rats to catch and other cats to fight. Trust me, you sit in front of that monitor long enough and the radiation causes your fur to fall out in great big clumps. Who do you think knows better than me? My servant (the guy who feeds me and opens the door when I scratch) used to have a lovely head of fur; now he looks like a refugee from a concentration camp. And it’s the fault of that box he worships.
Wild Wild West
Film review by Bjorn Thomson
Director Barry Sonnenfeld’s The Wild Wild West pokes and prods the moribund action genre until it yields up something kinetic and original. It may not be a very successful action movie — it’s too dramatically formless to provide much suspense, and its big set pieces are more clever than thrillingly pyrotechnical. But, given the right crowd, Wild Wild West could be a blast: As a visual experience, it’s enchanting, and it’s also a modest satire on racial bigotry. What more could you ask from a summer action movie? Well, actually a lot, but, if you appreciate witty visuals, it’s worth seeing anyway.
La vita è bella / Life Is Beautiful
Film Review by Linda Alvarado
Life Is Beautiful is, well, beautiful! It’s a comic and joyful perspective of how one Italian Jewish family survives the tragedy of the Holocaust. The film does not try to cover up the horrors of that time, but tells the story of a father and husband who, through humor and wit, tries to protect his family from those horrors. He doesn’t just want his family to survive the war; he wants his family to survive with its spirit intact.